Help. Hope. Healing.

“My Precious, My Stash, My Precious”

By harveyfo


 For where your treasure is there your heart will be also. Gnolom, from Lord of the Rings, his treasure consumed him, it twisted his soul, it corrupted him, and it was ultimately his destruction.  My treasure was my porn, and not just any porn, but my “stash”.  This was the best of the best; it took countless hours, and effort to collect it.  When I started my recovery it was the last to go, I cleaned my hard drive, I erased my other storage media, I severed all my ties to websites, newsgroups, and all other sources of filth.  My stash was the hardest to get rid of, I loved my stash it was “My Precious” to me.  I could not bring myself to get rid of it, even when my resolve to get this problem out of my life, was at its highest.  My reasoning, for not getting rid of my stash was as warped as my addiction.  I, and probably Satan told myself the following. Harvey look at how many hours you spent gathering this good stuff, if you falter on your recovery (and you will) look at what you will have to do to get your stash back.  If you keep your stash hidden in a safe place, just in case, you will save all those hours getting your stash back.  So you see that you will spend hundreds of hours less, searching for porn, by NOT getting rid of your stash.  My twisted mind actually believed this lie that my recovery would be better if I kept my stash.  When my addiction was brought to light, I was like a vampire being dragged into the light.  I came into the light kicking and screaming.  I had no hope of recovery of any kind.  By the time I decided to actually kill the object of my obsession, my porn stash, it was gone.  Not my obsession, but my stash.  I must have forgotten, or Satan, or Father made me forget where it was. In any case it is out of my reach, I did tell my wife about it, what kind of media it was on, and where I think I lost it at.  That was over 4 years ago.  Finding my stash scares the hell out of me, still.  I have spent my recovery, sharing my experiences, and learning from the experience of other addicts just like me, in a PASG 12 step group with other men.  I found that Satan uses the same lies on everyone else, that he uses on me.  What experiences have you had with your stash? 


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2 Responses to ““My Precious, My Stash, My Precious””

  1. Rex Goode said:

    Harvey, I never had a stash. I never dealt with pornoraphy problems. However, I had also had a kind of stash of the mind, things I didn’t want to let go of. You’re right about it all, and it’s just as applicable to my kind of stash as yours. Thanks.

  2. Tim B said:

    I totally know what you mean about stashes. I still (think) I have a hidden directory I created that was a place I stashed p*rn. I had a lot of “good” stuff there over time — stuff I not only spent time and money to find, but stuff I spent time figuring out how to store and access. I had my first stash built out of stuff my dad threw away — I fished it out of his office garbage can and saved it. Then, as time went on, and I got bolder and realized he’d never confront me about it, I started just taking his stuff from where he hid it and hiding it myself. That went full cycle when he started taking it back from where I hid it.

    I also learned about purging. I would destroy the p*rn by tearing it up, cutting it up, wadding it up and burning it. After Dad died, I found and destroyed his last stash — hitting a VHS tape on the bottom, right on the spools with a hammer is a very effective way of destroying it. That way Mom didn’t have to deal with it.

    When I got into computerized p*rn, the stakes got higher. I could store vast amounts of stuff on increasingly large hard drives, organized in ways that made it easier to find. It also became easier to purge — bulk deleting is very easy, especially in linux. I still had that same struggle you had — I spent so much time and effort gathering this stuff, and I don’t want to just lose it. That would mean I’d wasted my time.

    But I had wasted my time. I had more than wasted my time — I had used my time counterproductively. Trying to “salvage” value from that by keeping the poison accessible was just compounding the damage done to me by it.

    Purging, on the other hand, didn’t end the cycle. It perpetuated it. When I started one of my longer periods of sobriety, I didn’t initially purge my stash. My stash was in a place where I wasn’t going to accidentally stumble on it, and I left it there to avoid the idea that purging it would be a meaningful step in making things better. I did, after a period of time, delete that stash, and it was quite a while before I created another stash.

    That stash is gone now too. Long since deleted without being replaced. I’m lately getting into trouble with relatively mild material that I’m finding in very short blips and then turning away from. But that’s another post.

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