Fifteen minutes ago I was paralyzed. Not totally paralyzed, and not physically paralyzed, but I was definitely hiding in my shell, huddling a little bit, and hiding from the world. I had a reply from Rusty on the Support Forums that I needed to respond to. I needed to talk to a friend about going to the temple for the first time in a long time. I needed to talk to my brother-in-law about help with a home project. I needed to return a call from the HR lady at work. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, probably, but these are things that I was just hiding from. I wanted to stay in my little comfort space and hide.
I’m on the brink of returning to the temple for the first time in fifteen years. I have the recommend, and it’s signed and ready to use. And I’m under the gun. Lots of things are going on to make me feel worthless, and a failure, and challenging my testimony. And my reaction is to pull back into myself, hide from the world, go into my shell, and just hide until I absolutely have to come out. I’m not going to skip work, but I don’t want to go. Reaching out is hard. I feel unworthy, uninteresting, and unlovable.
Making the effort to walk through that fear and paralysis and just doing something I’ve learned how to do, even though I don’t like it. When I responded to the message, and made the calls, I thought of people sitting around here, reading stuff and not wanting to say anything because it’s hard, and because they feel unworthy, unloveable, uninteresting, and like they just don’t want to bother people with their puny little piddly problems that they just can’t get through. And I just wanted to say to you what I said in the title here. Speaking for me, but not just for me, I want you to feel okay to say what you have to say.
You’re not bothering me. Even if it doesn’t make sense to me. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you.
I know it’s hard — believe me. I know what it’s like to stare into the blackness, and to choose it because it’s familiar.
I am listening, even if it takes a while to respond. Even if I have nothing to say.
Just say it. Really. Just say it.
And God is saying the same thing. Only he will always have an answer, if even you have to wait to see it. And he’s only a thought away. All you have to do is lift your head, and there he is. Right there loving you. Right there. Right now, always.
Look and see.