I just re-read Quitting.  Again. and had some more thoughts about the quitting business based on how things went from the time I wrote it.  Those who frequent the Support Forums will already know that I’m now lined up to be getting to my Temple Recommend for the first time in a very long time.  But the path to that has been rather interesting.

When I wrote the above article, I was trying to quit intentionally, but I didn’t stay quit very long.  The binge I was in lasted (with a month-long break while I was traveling) until fall (I count my sobriety date from September 1).  And it was a free-fall type binge for me — worse than I’ve done since I returned to full fellowship.  While I was binging, I really dug into what it was I wanted from the porn I was viewing, and what kind of porn I was going to get that from, and I found a very clear answer to that.

What I want from porn is sex — real, in-person, full-contact sex.  I don’t want to be watching other people have sex — I want to be having the sex.  And porn just can’t deliver that.   Porn is not about delivering real things — it’s about promising reality, and delivering fantasy.  It’s all about selling the sizzle, and never delivering the steak. I have known this intellectually for some time — I’ve been using porn for more than thirty years, and I’m not completely stupid — but this time in the binge I really drove the point home to myself.  I spent time looking for what I wanted, and became increasingly aware of what was missing from the experience, no matter how hard I tried to find it.

Oh, I know there are ways and places I could go that would deliver sex, but I don’t want to do those things.

So, the outcome was that I gained mental and emotional clarity that porn wasn’t going to give me what I wanted it to in a way I’d never had before.  This was a significant step in the process of getting to a better quit than I’ve had.  In the past, I counted sobriety only based on not masturbating, but  would have periodic slips with porn that I would manage to keep from leading to masturbation, and I would count that as a win.  But now, in a more profound way than ever before, I have clarity about what porn is (a lie) and what it has done for me (nothing but take and destroy).

Sometime in August, I wanted to quit again.  I wasn’t good with God, and it was hard to get that started again.  I started with the six word prayer:  “God, help me want to pray.”  I found that I could say that several times, and I could feel connection with God when I did.  For the first time in a long time, I was reaching out, and there he was.  I couldn’t stay there for long — I was so messed up and broken that being with God was too hard.  But that was when the quit started for real.  I don’t honestly know when I last masturbated or looked at porn.  I just remember there came a day when, for the first time in a long time, the thought came into my head to go use porn and masturbate and I resisted the thought.  I used that clarity and that desire to get in good with God and got a day of sobriety.

This has not been a hard to maintain quit.  It’s been pretty easy, actually.  There’ve been no porn slips.  Most days I don’t really have to think about being sober, and it’s not hard to clear my head when I start thinking about sexual things, for the most part.  So I’m working on my spiritual program, and it’s taking a lot of work, but it’s working.  I am not considering myself cured.  I don’t know if I’m never going to use porn or masturbate again.  I’d like to think that it’s possible, and that’s as far as I’ll go.  But I’m six months into this quit and it looks as though I’ll be in a temple again in a little over a month.   And this is how I got here.

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

Impatience is something I fight constantly. I’m the sort of person that once I know what I want, I expect to be able to obtain it as soon as possible, usually by doing some small task and then being done with it. I find it difficult to wait. (more…)

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

In a Sunday School lesson I attended, the question was asked, “How do we overcome the influence of Satan in our lives?” Though I didn’t specifically hear any wrong answers, I was frustrated that they all had the same basic tone: just decide you are going to not do what he wants you to. (more…)

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

Over the years I’ve operated LDSR.org, I’ve seen a lot of people come to our support forums and often go as quickly as they came. Some post, get what they feel they need, and disappear. Some leave, thinking they had finally reached a point of no longer needing the support we offer, only to return later having dug deeper into their addictive behavior than before. I hope that some truly were helped enough to no longer need us. (more…)

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

Kevin thought he was addicted to pornography. “I must be. I’ve tried so hard to stop. I’ve worked for the last five years at it, and yet I still can’t kick the habit completely.” When I talked to him about his approach, it sounded like he was doing almost everything right. He had opened up to his family about the problem and would talk to them about lapses. He had sought the help of his bishop and met with him regularly. He was participating in the Church’s addiction recovery program and regularly attended their 12-step group meetings. He maintained a habit of regular prayer and scripture study. (more…)

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

Sometimes, when people ask your advice, they already know what they think they should do about it. When you hear what they are planning, and it isn’t a good idea, the euphemistic thing to say about it is, “That’s the last thing you should do.” What you really mean to say is, “Don’t do that.”

(more…)

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

I have deleted the article that was here about masturbation. I originally allowed it because I’m all in favor of discussions about the issues that we face. I believe that we should be able to talk about things of concern to us.

No one here at this site speaks for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This means that any discussion of doctrine is purely the opinion of those who write on the blogs.

I am willing to allow posts and comments that speculate about what the doctrine may be. I’m willing to allow for people who are struggling to accept the doctrine of the Church. I’m not willing to give the impression that this site condones the idea that the leaders of the Church are not inspired or are wrong about the doctrine.

I apologize to anyone who spent time on discussing the article. Your comments have necessarily been deleted along with the post itsel.f

Rex

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

We’ve had a number of discussions on the Support Forums about sobriety and sobriety dates, especially to the point that there is more to sobriety, particularly in the world of SA, than merely abstaining from acting out.

This is from The gospel in words: ‘Sober’ from Mormon Times by Joseph A. Cannon:

Generally when we think of the word “sober,” we simply think not drunk. It turns out that is an important definition of sober, but the word has a much deeper meaning as it is used in the scriptures. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, soberness is characterized by the absence of excess or indulgence.

A sober person is grave, serious, solemn, having or implying a serious mind or purpose. A sober person is also quiet or sedate in demeanor, dignified or discreet in deportment and of a serious character. A sober person shows no trace of haste or impatience and is free from harshness and violence and is of a moderate disposition, not readily excited or carried away. A sober person is one who has calm and dispassionate judgment and is not desirous of great things or high estate but is free from extravagance or excess. Such a person is guided by sound reason and is sane and rational. Interestingly, sober is also connected to fasting.

The rest of the article is interesting in discussing the word “sober” from a scriptural perspective. This is part of a series where Joseph A Cannon has done some deep study of the meanings of words found in scripture that we might think we understand better than we actually do.

With this article as a starting place, what is the best definition of “sobriety” you can come up with for use in your program of recovery?

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

There is strong evidence that certain personalities are more prone to sexual addiction than others. One kind of personality that seems more likely to be dealing with it is the go-getter corporate superstar and those who want to be like them. I am not entirely sure why this is so and the articles I read that suggested it are out of my memory. I have a few ideas, though, based purely on my own personal biases. (more…)

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.

It feels like I’ve always known, at some level, that the gospel of Jesus Christ and all of its requirements are true. Even during times when my life was not in the Church and far away from behavior a believer should practice, I felt deep in my heart that I was doing what was contrary to the will of God.

That makes much of what I might say about disbelief more a matter of speculation than of experience. Yet, I still know that I have a great capacity for not believing. Even more than that, I think sometimes what an inconvenience testimony is. (more…)

Copyright 2010, Inner Vessel Productions.